Normal Stories Part V - Embrace What is Hindering You and Use it Like a Superpower

Here is our next installment in the Normal Stories series in conjunction with our production of Next to Normal, running June 1-June 17.  The Tony and Pulitzer Prize winning family drama is about a woman dealing with mental illness, and the impact the struggle within her own mind has on her entire family.

We have asked patrons, artists, friends, and family to share their stories, their diagnosis, and the impact it has had on their daily and family life. So many of you have shared and we now are excited to facilitate a greater conversation. Here is the fifth in a series of many stories we will share in the coming weeks. Cassie is the Stage Manager of Next to Normal and has been involved with several AAH Seasons. Here is her story...



Cassie's Story

My name is Cassandra Murkison, but most people call me Cassie. I work full time as well as find work in the theater world when I can. I went to college for theater, and although I focused in acting, since leaving school I’ve been mostly finding work in stage management. Currently, I am stage managing Next to Normal for Arts After Hours.

I was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was in the second grade, and when I was 20 I was (mis)diagnosed with clinical depression. A few years later I was re-diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

To describe A.D.D. I’d say: Think about how you react when something surprises your senses, i.e. an intense smell or a loud noise. Regardless of what you’re doing you’ll most likely stop and say, “What was that?”.  Now imagine everything that occurs around you triggers that kind of a reaction, or even initiates a train of thought, causing you to act impulsively and making it nearly impossible to focus on anything.

I often describe bipolar by comparing it to the old Looney Tunes cartoons; when a character was angry, they’d fill with red until steam came out of their ears. When they were happy or excited, they'd turn into a rocket and explode into the air. When sad, they'd turn into a puddle, etc. Their emotions fill them or consume them until they either erupt or fall apart. Living with bipolar disorder is kind of like that. You’re not always consumed by an emotion, but when something happens that does trigger an intense feeling (whether its positive or negative), it's hard to control.

With A.D.D. I had a lot of difficulty in school, especially when I was young. I also find it very difficult to keep things organized. Socially it can be difficult because I’ll tend to make impulsive choices or say things impulsively that I almost immediately regret. It made me very self-conscious growing up.

Growing up with an undiagnosed mood disorder caused all sorts of hardships. I always knew I was more sensitive than others, but I didn’t know why. I was often called a “drama queen”, or accused of seeking attention. This, along with the self-consciousness that came with the A.D.D., caused me to seek unhealthy ways to suppress my emotions so I would appear “normal”.

Having both conditions makes me extremely sensitive, both to my environment and to my emotions. This has made me uniquely good at certain things such as empathy. I’ve often been told I am an uncommonly good listener, mediator, and friend. I couldn’t ask for a better triumph.

Both of my conditions affect my life on a daily basis. Even with medication (which can be a struggle in and of itself), it takes a conscious effort to get through the day as efficiently and smoothly as possible, taking things as they come and dealing with hardships as logically (for lack of a better word) as you can while -possibly the most difficult part- trying not to let your self-consciousness get the better of you.

My diagnosis have absolutely affected my family and family life. My family is very aware of my conditions; they know where I struggle in life and they know what could happen if I am “pushed too far” (for lack of a better phrase). What they don’t know (and to be fair, neither do I), is how far “too far” is. This has caused tension in my family; “eggshell-walking” on their end and guilt on my end. However, despite everything, I believe it’s actually made my family closer. Sure, I feel a little guilty that my family feels they need to treat me so delicately, but I also know they do so because they love me. Since my diagnosis my family as a unit have been more open and sensitive to one another, which I think made us stronger.

My advice to someone with either or both of these conditions would be
A: Don’t JUST rely on medication. Medication can be a great tool and you should absolutely use it if it’s helping, but it’s not the ONLY tool. There are many tactics and coping skills you can practice that will make getting through the tough times so much easier.
B: “Disorder” is a word that was picked to describe a wide range of conditions which psychologists didn’t/don’t understand. There is nothing wrong with you. Embrace what you think is hindering you, and use it like a superpower.

A.D.D. isn’t simply a short attention span, nor is Bipolar Disorder simply mood swings. Both are deep and complicated conditions that psychologists still don’t completely understand. 
Having a mental or mood disorder doesn’t mean you’re “crazy”. There are people with A.D.D. that are fantastic students and people with Bipolar Disorder who are extremely logical and methodical. I’m not trying to down-play the seriousness of either condition; if you know someone with either or both of these, know that being that sensitive, so sensitive that everything that happens around you has an affect on you, is exhausting. But also know that someone’s condition isn’t all that they are.


 Next to Normal runs at Arts After Hours from June 1-June 17. For more information visit http://artsafterhours.com or call 781-205-4010.

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