Normal Stories Part IV - Not Some Kind of Rare Condition

Here is our next installment in the Normal Stories series in conjunction with our production of Next to Normal, running June 1-June 17.  The Tony and Pulitzer Prize winning family drama is about a woman dealing with mental illness, and the impact the struggle within her own mind has on her entire family.

We have asked patrons, artists, friends, and family to share their stories, their diagnosis, and the impact it has had on their daily and family life. So many of you have shared and we now are excited to facilitate a greater conversation. Here is the fourth in a series of many stories we will share in the coming weeks. Sarah is a Lynn resident and has a consulting business based in Downtown Lynn. Sarah was last seen on the Arts After Hours' stage during our Christmas Charcuterie and was also in Evil Dead, the Musical and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.

Sarah's Story

 

My name is Sarah Jackson. I run my own consulting business and am a very proud wife and mom!

I have anxiety with situational panic disorder. These are two separate but very related things. The general anxiety I have can sometimes feel like a constant fluttering in my stomach, and a steady stream of thoughts that revolve around how much I need to accomplish (at work, at home, for myself) and worrying about what is to come or what has passed, rather than living in the moment. When a panic attack is coming on, my heart starts racing so hard that it feels like it will fall out of my chest. My throat gets dry and I'm shaky and have a hard time speaking. For me, a huge "tell" that I'm working up to a panic attack is that my stomach feels like it's taking a gigantic flip, and then my heart begins racing. My cheeks feel hot. I can't string words together. The world seems to shrink around me. It's the worst feeling.

Because my panic has been tied to work--in particular, meetings and situations that I deem to be "high pressure"--it previously impacted my ability to navigate certain professional situations confidently, or with the outcomes I would have liked to attain. Also, when my anxiety has been at its worst, I felt too scattered and stressed to eat healthily, to function sharply, and was unable to get a good night's sleep. The other challenge is that the medication I have taken in the past for panic attacks, Ativan, is valium. It dulls the senses and makes me really, really tired, and affects my short-term memory while I am on it. These are NOT good things when one is trying to conduct themselves at optimal performance in a high-visibility work situation! Ativan (or any "benzo" class of drug) can also be highly addictive; thankfully, I weaned myself off of it before it became a substance abuse issue in my life.


I'm proud to say that, after determining the right medication to manage my general anxiety; after years of therapy to understand myself better; and after making many deliberate changes to simplify my personal life; I am doing so much better. I have not had a panic attack in a couple of years, and I require the use of Ativan once in a blue moon. Since facing this issue head on, I have been able to dramatically reduce my feelings of panic and dread. Meditation, deep breathing, and yoga have been such helpful tools as well! I feel more present, more balanced, calmer, and more capable in all facets of life. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because that would be impossible; but I feel that today I am very well equipped with hard-earned tools and knowledge to get me through the more anxiety-inducing times in life.

 When I was in a particularly toxic work environment several years ago, my daily (and nightly, and hourly, and minute-by-minute) life was affected. I felt so hopeless, as though I would never escape the constant feelings of dread, panic, and sleepless nights. Thankfully, through a lot of hard work, I got myself out of that horrible (work and mental) space!) :)

When my husband and I started trying to get pregnant several years ago, it was a clarion call for me to change my lifestyle to be more in the moment and less stressful, and to work on altering my negative self-outlook. In order to be the best possible wife and mom, I needed to take the best possible care of myself. So that's what I started to do, and that is what I keep trying to do today.

My advice is to TELL the people closest to you what's going on. Do not attempt to bottle up your anxiety or feelings of panic. The simple act of telling another person how you feel takes away some of anxiety's power. Also, if you think you might have anxiety or panic, please visit two kinds of specialists right away: 1. a psychopharmacologist, who can help you to identify and adjust proper medications to control symptoms (I waited on this piece for a long time - JUST DO IT!) and 2. a cognitive behavioral therapist, who can help you better understand your feelings and then give you cognitive tools--new ways of thinking and doing--to help you manage your condition.

A really, really high number of people around you--loved ones, friends, colleagues--are battling anxiety and panic, both loudly and quietly. People you love and respect and admire (including managers, leaders, and folks who you think "have it all together") are too ashamed or afraid to tell you that they have these awful, paralyzing feelings. In a given day, you are coming across multiple people who, at that very moment, have Zoloft or Paxil or Ativan or some other medication in their bodies to help regulate their brain chemistry so that they can feel calmer and make it through the day. This is not some kind of rare condition. I would like for us all to display more empathy and compassion with one another because it is impossible to know what someone is going through, be it mental illness or another issue with no visible symptoms.

 Next to Normal runs at Arts After Hours from June 1-June 17. For more information visit http://artsafterhours.com or call 781-205-4010.